Until her voice grows shrill.

 All changed, changed utterly:

A terrible beauty is born.

- Easter, 1916 by W.B. Yeats

My life was changed utterly by a two hour Zoom call on 20th April, 2021.  At 39 years of age, and after 20 years of misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis, I finally had the answer for what was "wrong" with me.  Why I don't function like others around me.  Why I've had chronic insomnia since childhood.  Why getting through the routine of everyday life ends up way much more difficult than it should be.  Why I'm incredibly smart, yet lack common sense. Why I can't just do the thing I so badly want to do. Why I dropped out of university (repeatedly).  Why I can't find my cup of tea/slippers/tea/whatever I was holding just a second ago, multiple times a day.  Why I exist in a perpetual whirlwind of lateness, chaos and anxiety.  Why I procrastinate, avoid and am distracted easily from every goal I've ever wanted to achieve.  So many "whys" were suddenly explained when my clinical psychologist told me, "You are a textbook example of someone with ADHD Combined Type."

I cried when I heard those words.  The immense feeling of relief that washed over me was like nothing I'd ever experienced before; the intensity of emotion made every cliché I'd ever heard about a weight being lifted from my shoulders or feeling ten tonnes lighter feel real.  I was RIGHT.  I KNEW there was something different about me.  I finally had my answer, could begin the correct treatment and my brain would finally be my friend and not my enemy.  Right?

I am starting this blog on 20th July, 2021, exactly 3 months out from my diagnosis.  I have discovered that the terrible beauty of receiving a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult in Ireland is that while you might think you've finally won the battle, you're just beginning the war.  Over the last 20 years I've been variously diagnosed with insomnia, depression, generalised anxiety disorder, as well as suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder and excoriation disorder (skin picking).  Once diagnosed, treatment and medication were easy to access.  I've lost count of the different types of antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication and sedatives I've been prescribed and taken.  I've been to sleep specialists, sleep clinics, psychiatrists.  I've tried hypnosis, neuro-linguistic programming, cognitive behavioural therapy, yoga and reiki.  I've done everything asked of me because I was desperate to find out why I just didn't seem to be like most people, and why the medication I was prescribed just did not work.  My mental health has been destroyed in the process.  My bank account drained.  My sense of self-worth eroded to almost nothing.  How was it possible to fail at getting better?

After eschewing medication since before the birth of the first of my three children, in 2020 I decided to try again.  As I lay in bed sedated up to my eyeballs, yet with a brain that still refused to let me sleep, I came to a realisation.  The only thing that made sense to me at that point was that all along I had been treated for the symptoms of some condition, but not the cause.  I began to read up about my symptoms and found that they seemed to align with those of ADHD in women.  I self-referred to a clinical psychologist - not an easy choice or cheap option in Ireland - and my suspicions were confirmed.  Only now, in order to access treatment for ADHD, I must be rediagnosed by one of two psychiatrists in the country who will work with adults with ADHD and prescribe them the off-licence medication needed to get their brain chemistry in better order.  My appointment is for some time in 2022.  I will be 40 years old.

I feel angry that this is the situation I now find myself in.  I feel bitter that I wasn't diagnosed sooner.  I feel betrayed that after all the medication I've taken over the years, I have to fight to get the one(s) I actually need.  I feel let down by the Irish medical system, which now seems to see me as a liability.  But most importantly of all, I feel a sense of peace.  I can be kind to myself.  There was never anything "wrong" with me: ADHD is just a facet of who I am and now that I know that, I can be kinder to myself for my perceived failures.

I am an Irish woman with ADHD.  And I will shout about it until my voice grows shrill.